I used to think that turtles didn’t have much use because they were slow. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that I wanted to be just like them. They said we couldn’t learn anything from turtles, and by “they” I mean “them”. You know, the guys that say things and girls that say stuff. Turtles never leaves his home. They always have an excuse to be late for work. They live a long time while being lazy. They could accidently fall into some mutant ooze and wear a mask over their eyes and become a ninja in their teenage years. Okay so I might not become a ninja in my teenage years but I’ve heard from “them” that 40 is the new 20, so I’m like almost in my late teen years. All I know is that I aspire to do nothing just like this turtle and I haven’t made it to his high level yet. I am so bitter.
When I was growing up people gave me the nickname Gentle Ben. Not because I was gentle, but because there was a bear named Gentle Ben that had a TV show that I had never heard of. Apparantly it was about a game warden and his friendship with a bear that didn’t maul him to death. Sounds like a lame TV show and one I would have snoozed through until I was hungry, then eaten until I got tired. The point is that maybe I could be a bear named Bitter Ben and have a TV show about how lazy I was. It wouldn’t be a ratings bonanza, but at least it would be the highest rated show on NBC.
I offer you this last bitter picture of the day. Just like the turtle and the bear, we like to do nothing…more than waste your time. I know that it was only three minutes today, but we have to build up to these things. Wasting your time as well as mine is a lot of work. It is something I take great pride in doing. In the future I will do my best to waste more of your time, writing longer posts about nothing entertaining, funny, charming or time-worthy. Actually, who are we kidding? I’m not going to do my best because that would require skills that I don’t have. And I don’t take great pride in wasting your time or mine either. What do you think I am? A caring turtle? A gentle bear? Go waste you own time. I’ve got a nap to get to.
Arrrghhh
Bitter Bonanza Ben
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Turtles rule! They can hid inside and pretend the rest of the world’s garbage does not exist. Plus the ninja skills are really cool!
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I love that they can be lazy and last so many more years.
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That was a full 3 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Arghhhhh 😛
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Yeah mine too. Just imagine how bitter I am about having to answer all the comments about time wasted. Go waste your own time now!
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Now that you mention it, I want to be a turtle too.
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Protective shell that keeps people from talking to you? Fo shizzle.
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Yes, exactly. But turtles get along with other grumpy turtles so we should still be cool.
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If you are ever a turtle you will be able to recognize turtle me as the lazy one on the couch ignoring TV.
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Are you ignoring ninja turtles?
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No way. If you go back to the post you will see that I mentioned that the turtle might learn ninja skills. I even mentioned that it might be a teenager.
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Lol
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Wow you have so many followers you can start your own cult. (The Cult of Bitterness.) As far as turtles go, they know how to PACE themselves. I’m gonna start doing that tomorrow. 🙂
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Bitter cult would be great if I wasn’t so lazy. I don’t have the energy to start a revolution.
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Ooh, maybe instead of advertising through Cupcake Wars, we could advertise through your show. Best idea ever…
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You do have great ideas. The Bitter Bear could you a glamourist, so maybe you could make the naps on the show more glamorous. Then get you blog on prime time, would definitely shoot you to the atomosphere.
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Glamorous naps? i can so handle that…
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You need Glamour naps if you are to be able to do your blog job.
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That was some bitterly good entertainment….
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I’m glad you are bitter about it.
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I am currently pissing away time at work by reading blogs!! lol
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Well, I’m glad you made it to my waste of time.
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lol
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You totally look like a Donatello.
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The purple one with the Bo Staff. I am much better at beating people with sticks, but I am not smart one of the group.
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great post.. no finer way to waste five minutes or so !
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Now go out there and find a way to waste time on your own!
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i look forward to wasting more time with your words ben
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I hope you find something else to waste your time with. I am busy wasting my own time and the couch. I don’t have wasted time for everyone else.
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News flash, BB… there IS no upper limit on male adolescence. Enjoy.
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Great so I can continue to be an idiot until I’m 150 and sitting on the couch?
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Practice makes perfect, BB… better start now! *visions of 150 y.o. turtle watching soaps*
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I’ve been an idiot since I was young. Always practicing for that.
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Am glad you wasted my time, pls don,t stop
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I’m sorry but you will have to waste your own time.
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Yes. The turtle has it right. *continues sitting*
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I’m sitting down not doing anything right now.
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Hehe 😀
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Sorry. The post was not a waste of time. The best three minute waste I encounter is explaining a problem to a customer service rep. Should just scream “my shit doesn’t work,” and hang up given the problem resolution quality
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All customer service reps make me bitter. Especially myself.
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You may be onto something. In Stephen King’s Dark Tower, the Turtle (Maturin) and the Bear (Shardik) were two of the Guardians of the Beams that held up the world as we know it (and other worlds as we do not know them, except for what SK chooses to tell us about them — basically that they all went to hell in a handbasket as the Beams fell.) If I recall correctly, and I do, the Turtle-Bear beam was the last one — the only one, in fact, that held. CASE CLOSED. Sorry for nerding up your post, unless it increases your bitterness, in which case, hooray! Here’s the coup de grace:
See the TURTLE of enormous girth!
On his shell he holds the Earth,
His thought is slow but always kind;
He holds us all within his mind.
On his back the truth is carried,
And there are love and duty married.
He loves the earth and loves the sea,
And even loves a child like me.
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I’m pretty sure that turtle would love everyone but a bitter child like me. You can’t nerd my blog up any more than it already is. There is no bigger nerd, no bigger bitter than me. Just try me….But I will be taking a nap and wasting time so I probably won’t get to it.
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Nothing like increasing your time-wasting by my posting a comment. Enjoyed this entry! But, then, later I did get a bitter aftertaste! 😉
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Bitter aftertaste is my favorite aftertaste. I’m apologize for you wasting my time….
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L. M. A. O. 🙂
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Don’t fall and laugh your A.O. How would you continue to be a Dancing Rider?
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Unfortunately, I’m quite bitter about that having already occurred. Coming off the saddle is something I don’t necessarily recommend. Wouldn’t call that dancing, just bitter. The falling in the dancing will come later this month. Plenty of bitter opportunities on the horizon.
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You mean like you are planning on falling off your horse? Can you get video for WordPress benefit?
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Oh! Too late. That’s already happened. Sorry to so bitterly disappoint you! 😉
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I’m sure there is a way you can re-enact it.
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Not to continue the volley indefinitely, but you can look forward to *extra bitter* disappointment re that suggestion.
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I’m always interested in extra bitterness.
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Gentle Ben as in the bear, I just had a bitter happening in my last post – I am curious as to what Bitter Ben would have done had this situation occured to you. Agitationally yours, 🙂
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Now I am very curious about what I would have done. I will offer my advice in my next column, Bitter Ben speaks agitational–ly or however you spell that.
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If I don’t see a TV pilot for a show called Ben the Bitter Bear’s Bonanza sometime in the next 10 years, I’m gonna be seriously disappointed. Stop napping and get to work writing that script. 😉
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The first two seasons are already fully formed in my head. Writing them down on a typewriter or piece of paper, now that is another story. It’s going to take 10 years minimum with all the naps I have planned.
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You clearly did not see my Gentle Ben appreciation post, “Stoned or Stuffed?” You just have to watch with the right perspective. Apologize on bended knee to the mighty Comic Con god Clint Howard or be smitten like swine unto pearls.
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I will take the smitting and be a bitter person for it.
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“sleep till you’re hungry, eat till you’re sleepy” is beyond excellent advice.
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It’s how I avoid life, reality and others.
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Haha. Thanks for “wasting” my time. Great post!
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I am both an expert at wasting time and also cursed with this gift, because everyone always wants me help wasting their time.
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You totally opened my eyes to the amazing life of turtlehood. I can feel my envy rising already.
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If you get caught in some ooze you could even be the fifth Ninja turtle.
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I’d respond, but you have already wasted valuable time wasting time for me…
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And now I have to waste more time responding to your comment that is about wasting time. It looks like we are caught in the Matrix of wasting time.
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slow and steady wins the race..when you are lazy..you call it a day 🙂
you made me read this …and I am very bitter about it..yesssssssssss
hisssssssssssssssssssss ( that was a snake in anger)
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Is that you, Voldemort’s snake? Uh, I would look up his name but I’m trying to take a nap.
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yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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What up ssssssssnake guy friend of Voldemorts. Do you like picturesssss of Bitter thingssssss?
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technically I can not be here if I say against bitterness..so I must remain silent
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Bitter wins in the end.
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silence wins 😉 and if that is bitter..like not talking ..grumpy..bla bla ..then bitter wins..however..silence got many interpretations..what do you think ?
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I think if you are silent I am bitter and if you aren’t silent I am bitter. Bitter always wins in the end.
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okay..bitter is better..for winners are awesome/awful whichever is more bitter 😉
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I hate to burst your bitter bubble, Badass Ben, but your blatantly belligerent blog, brimming with baloney, is anything but a waste of my time (and I don’t even LIKE baloney . . . I’m a vegetarian!)
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It was a waste of my time. It took like 10 minutes away from my naptime. Plus the 10 minutes it took for me to respond to this comment.
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This has a poignancy superior to the other posts. Turtles do that by doing nothing. And yet it means everything.
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It sounds like you think I put any thought into the poignan-thingy word you just used. I just threw this thing together at the last moment, because l am lazy.
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What about a sloth? Never expected to move quickly… Only three toes to worry about… That seems the ideal bitter animal mascot.
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If I could have found a picture of a sloth. I mean I really doubt that there are any pictures of them on Google anywhere. Besides that would have taken me more work and like I said at the end of the post, you need to find your own way to waste time. I need a nap!
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What’s that last picture, a have some sex with your wife booth?
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Nice. It was a “that is how much attention people at work pay attention to me when I complain about how much I hate them booth.” But for you, it might be that other thing.
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