Remember the feeling you had the first time you learned how to do something? The first time you learned to fail at math and got an “F” on your report card? Or almost drowned learning how to swim? Or got your first cavity, by brushing your teeth improperly or even got bitter for the first time(I’m a little bit of prodigy when it comes to bitterness. Instead of crying I gave my mom a bitter look. I remember it like it was 40 years ago.)? How about the first time I rode a bike?
Yes, I remember the first time I fell off my bike scraped my knee. I gave my dad a bitter look for pushing me into the ditch. I remember the first time I learned how to ride my bike, but was very bitter that my father forgot to tell me that it had breaks and it could stop it. So I rode it for 8 hours in the cul-de-sac where we lived until I got exhausted and fell asleep. I also remember the first time my mom told me to ride down to the 7-11 to get my baseball cards. Obviously she just didn’t want to give me a ride.
We all grow up and move on from bikes though, right? Or course, except the one dude that every spring and summer is in my way whereever I go in my car. I feel bad for this dude, because his mom forgot to teach him how how to buy a car. Or how to ride a bus, or subway or train. You know how parents get busy sometimes with housework and yardwork and paying the bills? I guess this dude’s mom forget how to teach their son to do anything after bike riding. I guess for him it is totally acceptable that at 38 he isn’t using a cycle that isn’t motorized(I’ve started calling them motorcycles). I’m sorry I’m the one that has to tell this guy to get out of the way, but I’m a car and I need to get to work.
Mr. Bicycle likes to tout that he is a responsible citizen by saying that he cares for the environment by not using gas or causing pollutants to into the atmosphere. Okay, great. Then I expect when there is three feet of snow on the ground and my inferior car can’t make it to work, you and your bike will be there on time to cover me while I sit on the couch and get warmed by a nice fire, right? No? So what you are saying is that you only care about the environment during the summer? Okay hippy-crate.
Mrs. Schwinn(his sister-in-law) rides around all superior because she is protected by the rules of the road. Which is fine if Mrs. Schwinn keeps up with traffic by using her accelerator. It’s fine if uses her turn signal that isn’t an arm. It’s fine if she puts on her seat belt like car dwellers are forced to do. It’s fine when she goes helmetless like car drivers do. It’s fine if they wear pants and don’t come into the office all sweaty. I don’t require a shower everytime I come in from my CAR commute.
If bikes are protected by the rules of the road, fine, but then they should also have to obey the rules as well. That means you gotta go on the sidewalk like slow cars do. That means when there is a traffic jam, you wait bitterly like the rest of us. That means just like the rest of us you gotta stop at a stop sign, and you have to stop rear ending us all the time. Other drivers only do that occasionally. And you have to stop running into our doors when we open them. It’s really annoying and causes my doors damage. Oh and you have to have 4 wheels. And an exhaust, and an accelerator. And a heater and air conditioner. And doors and windows, an engine, a trunk, a driver’s license, gas tank and rear mirrors, a back seat for the kids and a steering wheel. And definitely a glove compartment. Then I think we are safe to share the road with each other.
Bikers, I eventually learned how to get D’s in math just enough to pass, learned how to hate swimming without drowning, how to only get cavities on 40% of my teeth, and how to get so much more bitter than I was when I was a child. I also learned how to drive things that didn’t take pedals and got in accidents in cars instead of bikes. We all need to graduate to better things some day. Save the bike for torturing your kids at home and for yourself at the gym. As far as riding a bike in traffic, get a motorbike.
Bitter Bike Basher Ben