I have an ambitious list today.
I am an ambitious person when it comes to not doing things and being lazy. While I don’t have time during the week (Monday-Friday) to do laziness, I do my best to plan for it during work hours. Obviously, I try to keep work to a minimum at my job. No need to get too stressed about it. I do, however, do my best to “appear” busy, typing, focusing my face to look like I’m reading emails, moving the mouse back and forth. Getting up in a rush with two pieces of paper that look important, viciously scribbling words on a piece of paper, putting things in a manilla folder, or “filing”. Randomly doing things like that have become almost too easy. The hardest part of the week is the planning for my lazy Saturday.
Lazy Wednesdays aren’t allowed yet, but I am working on it.
Here are the things I do in advance in order to create the most efficient lazy Saturday:
1. Food – I need to eat something fattening or heavy that will carry over to Saturday in order to make me feel lethargic. It has to be just the right balance of nutrition thats make you feel like crap, but not so crappy that you want to exercise.
2. Clothes – You have to plan out just the right outfit to wear the next day. It should be a shirt that is a few sizes too big, and the right type of sweatpants that you feel comfortable in, but just barely presentable enough in case you have to leave.
Proper Lazy Saturday attire.
3. Hair – Hair should be short enough so that 1) you don’t have to comb it, 2) you don’t have to go to the haircut store to get it cut.
4. Personal Grooming – You should wear anti-persperant that lasts two days. As far as the deoderant not lasting, that is other people’s problems. They were the ones that decided to come too close to you on lazy Saturday.
5. House cleaning. Do all this on Friday or some other day that isn’t Saturday. Make sure that everything you need are placed within two feet of your Lazyboy so the only effort you have to make is to reach a few feet. I know that even that is rough, but a sacrifice for playing video games, watching tv and leaning way back on the pulling up the foot rest.
6. Yard work. If you do have this, make sure it is poorly done on another day.
7. Kids – If they have friends, make sure you teach them how to use phones as early in their lives as possible. Teach them simple phrases like, “Can I come over to your house all day?” and “I really like your parents and want to spend time at your house all day getting to know them better.” I taught mine those phrases when they first learned how to talk.
8. Spouse or significant other – Tell them you appreciate all the hard work they do all week and say, “Why don’t you go spoil yourself today and do some window shipping with your best friend all day.” Or, “How about you go to the Old Film Festival, you know, the free outdoor all day one?”
9. The phone. Figure out how to get that ringer thing to turn off. Cell phones, land lines, etc. Make all your crucial calls with your annoying friends and family on other days. Make sure you imply that you have “so much to do” on Saturday when they ask about your weekend plans.
10. Your eyes. Your eyes are going to be going through a strenuous period of being closed for long periods of time. They may wake up to view things like tv, video games and the back of your eyelids. If you need to get some eye drops make sure you get them on Friday.
Not a proper lazy Saturday activity.
It makes me bitter to have to plan all these things on other days, but in the end it is worth it to make sure you can avoid as many movements as possible. Clearly it shouldn’t be this much work for you to get your ill-earned Saturday laziness, but laziness isn’t easy. And there is always that work and family avoidance you can do on Monday.
Arrghhhh
Bitter Lazzz… Ben
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
Saturday again – just a little delated 🙂 You are right this work – thing can swipe a lot of time. Lazyness needs to be prepared….
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Yeah, I wrote that a whole Saturday ago. You must be very busy over there vacationing.
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YEAR – Vacation sounds great, but had a lot of work…. Blogvacation 😉
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No more blog vacations for you. Avoid work!
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Uh, I like my work!
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Oh. What do you do?
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Guess – Some of my posts are full of hints 🙂
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You know bitter guy is a little slow. I guess I will have to go back and look at all your posts again to see.
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I had no idea laziness took so much work. Can I narrate for my podcast?
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Yes you may. Thanks for doing that for me!
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And here it is, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks for letting me narrate it, very fun!
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Awesome. I still can’t believe someone would ever want to read this stuff out loud.
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Its very fun! and good practice and fans who like to listen rather than read get to hear your blog.
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Yep people who are so lazy that they can’t read my blog hit a button and listen to it on a lazy Saturday.
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LOL,Yes.
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Pingback: Computer Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance.
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In this case yes. That sounds like something a teacher would say to their kids.
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Urgh, this makes me bitter my lazy Saturday has already passed!
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It sounds like you have wasted a lot of Saturday’s “doing things”. Time to start not.
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Again with the out loud, smirking, laughter! Loved this entry! Especially just having come in from numerous mind-numbing chores….a bit bitter about your working at being lazy. Must try that soon.
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You need to quit your hobby of horsing around. That causes too much work. You need to spend more time at working about your relaxing and lazing.
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SMIRK! Seriously lazing right now…..
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Good thing you are lazing around. You were about to have a cardiac with all your stressful weekends.
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I wish that’s how I spent my Saturday yesterday… Instead, I was cleaning every which way, and of course you heard about the plumbing fiasco. Today I’m still cleaning, but about to play video games for the first time in…. 3 months?
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It is about time you play video games. I think you need to stop working so hard at cleaning and start working hard at lazying. It is the real productive thing you can do. Working at one of your 7 deadly sins.
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Now that I’m only working every third Saturday I’ve had to actually think up fun things to do. This amuses me greatly but I’m almost done with a portrait of a Japanese Garden!
I think I’m losing my mind. But at least I served Genghis Khan yesterday! 😉
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Genghis Khan isn’t nearly as bitter as me. He tried, but has a really hard time keeping up with me. You really need to follow my tips of laziness in order to enjoy your Saturday’s better.
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I’m bitter now knowing that you have finessed the fine art of being lazy at work while I still look busy because I am busy … sigh 😦
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The biggest part of perfecting the art is making sure your computer is faced the right way.
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Oh, indeed, my monitors face away from the door, but it’s my iPad that I have a hard time hiding 😉
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You need to put one or two work apps on your Ipad and whenever you see someone coming, just have one of those things open. Bosses might be suspicious, but they can’t prove anything.
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Great tips! We encourage our children to sleep over their friend’s houses so we can continue our laziness into the night! 🙂
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Getting children out of the house is key. They need to feel like you “trust” them, while really you just want them to leave….in a loving way of course.
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You have inspired me through de-inspirational motivation to take my one day off, for the next four plus weeks, and cut my damn grass. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
That day off is tomorrow. I will enjoy a $10 plastic pool party with my dog afterwards.
Over and out.
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Don’t ever cut the grass on your day off. It will ruin you lazy high and make you want to be productive.
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Too late. I blame you.
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Getting blamed for things makes me bitter, so thanks for giving me more things to be bitter about.
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I’m starting to get really bitter that you’re still talking about Saturday and it’s Monday. There are so many bitter things to talk about on Monday that you’ll never catch up now which means like all those people who used to be in school who are out taking up space now in that I used to have to myself so I could laze about and complain that there weren’t enough waiters and waitresses to serve me. Now there will be too many. Oh the bitter reality of summer vacation.
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Summer is a whole other kind of bitter, ripe with things to talk about. Pace yourself, there are plenty of bitter things to be bitter about. I will have new things for you to complain about when I am good and ready.
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Do house cleaning on Friday? I say, why do it at all?
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You need to get other people to do it for you. That is most of the work.
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All fine in theory. But what happens if the kids or worse, spouse, won’t leave? The lazy day pretty much revolves around that problem!
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You need to work harder at getting your kids and wife not liking wanting to hang around you. Also you need to make it so inticing to leave that they can’t stand to be around you.
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“Breaking wind” is not enough, if thats what youre suggesting. Been there, done that
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No, the effort needs to be strong in all areas of getting them to dislike you. You need to get them within a inch of never wanting to talk to you again.
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You do housework? Hired!
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I don’t think you can afford me.
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You sure know how to make a girl bitter.
Hey what time zone are you? I’ve gotten posts from you as early as 4ish in the am. (Central) A bitter way to wake up!
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I’m in the Pacific, Seattle specific..ly. That kind of rhymed. I don’t know why. I stay up late a lot, but I don’t remember writing posts at 2 am. Usually I’m playing Gears of War.
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What’s Gears of War? I only stay up to play the FB game Lexulous.
Next time I get a 4 ish am post from you ill try to wake up enuff to let you know. it may be a bitter growl tho…
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It’s an awesome video game on the Xbox that only makes me a little bitter.
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I hate this phone I’m writing from! I just sent a longish reply that went into cyberspace. Grrrrrr
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Phones make me very bitter. I wish they could be banned from being able to make phone calls and they were just mini computers and text machines like they are.
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Went to Duck, North Carolina with the family. Was going to write and tell you when I got back on Wednesday, but just didn’t want to. I was going to write earlier today, but I got a hangnail, and decided it wasn’t worth the effort. My son and daughter in law are having our first grandchild. I am excited. Rah. I hate other people’s grandchildren pictures. We were at the beach. I hate the beach. I hate sand. I hate salt water. They had a pool. I hate the pool. I hate chlorinated water. They had a hot tub. It wasn’t plugged in. I hate cold hot tubs. I had a lousy time. It was great to see the kids. I miss them when they go home to Chicago. We ate too much. Now I’m fatter than ever. I hate being fat. I can’t wait for it to be Sunday. I hate Saturday. Did you even notice I was gone?
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Sounds like you are pretty bitter. I would be bitter if I went to a place like Duck, NC and spent a day on the beach in a cold, hot tubbed beach. You need to work harder in avoiding other people so you can have your bitter weekend to yourself.
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Why 2 day deodorant or changing out of your pajamas? If you want the full bitter experience, live alone so you can have a lazy weekend without ever brushing your teeth, changing clothes or answering the phone. 🙂
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I don’t change out of the jammies. I wear the sweats to bed. The deodorant is so strong now a days that they last 3 days. I don’t answer the phone ever really.
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You are, most definitely, a laziness expert.
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I’m multi-faceted at things that are self-destructive and useless. Just wait until you see me break multiple bones in my body and breathe heavily walking up stairs.
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I’ll remember to bring a lawn chair and some popcorn. 🙂
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Make sure the popcorn has some rhurbarb flavored butter and the lawn chair leans slightly to the left.
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I already lean to the right, so that might help. When I look at rhubarb, I have to wonder: Who was the first person to look at that disgusting plant and say, “I think this bitter excuse for food might be good in a pie?”
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Someone who looked at it and thought it looked something like a fruit.
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So does Holly. 🙂
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I would not call what you are doing LAZY. It’s CREATIVE RELAXATION. Besides it’s a Holiday, and we all deserve to “chill-lax” . I look at it as a “MENTAL Health Day”. If anyone knows what it’s like to be MENTAL, it’s me! 🙂
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I don’t like PC terms. Lazy works for me just fine. I work hard at being lazy and I want to be called so.
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Reblogged this on Jcckeith and commented:
Funniest thing I’ve read all day
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Reblogged this on readful things blog and commented:
He is a smart man. 🙂
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it sounds like such a fantastic day you had… loved your rules.
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It takes hard work and lots of rules in order to be lazy.
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What’s a land line? 😉
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It’s like a cell phone without the tablet attached.
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What’s a land line?? 😉
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It’s where you get these two soup cans, cut out little holes and attach them. One person talks on one side and another can hear on the other. It’s similar to the cell phone, except a lot more expensive.
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