My career in ballonery didn’t take off.
After a full week of working my arms by typing things on my computer, stretching on my couch and pushing the button on my remote control and my video game controller, I decided to declare myself eligible for the world arm wrestling championships. Don’t be jealous. Not everyone has what it takes, despite numerous movies and inspirational songs that claim that you can be whatever you put your mind to. Falling just short of goals is something that I specialize in. (That is if I had any goals.)
It took hard work and dedication, but I made it to Google, where I proceeded to search for the website where I had to fill out my application. I cruised through the name and address section like a boss. I barely even hesitated on the experience part of the application. I listed my solid record of 21-20 against my 3 year old niece(though one time she cheated by telling me that there was a pepperoni pizza on the table) and a very convincing almost comeback against my 5 year old son. Hey, the kid was trained by me and I am an almost completed applicant. So you can see how he would be pretty good right?
I then was brought to the video section where I was supposed to submit my video of awesomeness. They showed a few examples. I got to this one.
The arm wrestling screaming match of the century. (If you are in a place where loud noises would scare kids or employers you may want to wait until later.)
I’m out.
My bitter career as an arm wrestler is done.
Bitter Armed Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Pingback: Remote Control Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
Or “Balloonery”! And I am bitter as $#!* about your following–your work is finished here!
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I have only recruited less than a percent of the world. I need the whole world to be bitter. Not just the 1%er’s.
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Come write my blog for me. You’re crazy and I LOVE it.
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It’s about time you asked. I’ve always wanted in a career in writing your blog for you.
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Completes my day. Thank you. I think I’ll challenge someone now. Someone soft….
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Just don’t take on a screamer.
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I will go challenge someone that is nice and I will have motivation to destroy them with my bitterness.
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Wow. That video was amazing. I’m trying to decide is life is better, or worse, now that I’ve seen it. Thanks Ben. You always take it to a new level….
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The level of bitterness is growing in this world and I am solely responsible. No one was ever bitter before me.
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Freaks.
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Bitter freaks.
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what if loud noises scare you?
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Crazy ladies scare me.
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they scare me too .
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you know, maybe the girl who lost should’ve spent more of her energy into wrestling rather than screaming. Then again, if she had, we would have to find someone else to laugh at.
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She had to know that we would find this footage of her. She probably watched the women’s tennis players doing it and figured they would have a chance being good.
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If those two girls in the video put as much effort into solving world hunger as they did in that clip, we would all be fat and happy. I hope you don’t have to compete against one of them because they seem to be very bitter. I fear for your life.
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I feared for my life too. How could I spread bitterness when I was dead? Oh yeah I could haunt people. Not a bad idea.
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With any career, It’s always best to leave while you’re on top or is it over the top with arm wrestling.
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I like leaving Over the top better.
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Reblogged this on The Polar Zone and commented:
Sighsssssss…….
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Just great, so all those nice things my hubby and kids have been telling me were bold face lies! The shame of it all! I’m going now…, to crawl back in bed and under the comforter…where I will proceed to sob for at least a hour under my pillow! 🙂
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What bitter to do on a day that ends in Y to crawl under a comforter and sleep. I would recommend that for any time of day, any day of the week.
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I’ll be sure to remember that!!
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Remember that you heard it here first.
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Will do…I believe you’d tell me the “bitter” truth!
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As long as it is bitter.
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I think I could succeed at arm wrestling. I’d just distract my opponents with a lot of sass and they’d give up just to get me to stop.
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I think you should avoid this insane lady though because she is immune to sass and bitterness.
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That video exhausted me just watching it. (Of course, my mantra is that I try to never sweat on purpose.)
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I try not to sweat out loud. I keep my pain and suffering inside so that I can explode once a week.
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OMG – how do you find such a video???
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Bitterness always finds bitterness.
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Ah – Law Of Attraction for Grumpies 🙂
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Either that or opposite bitterness attracts.
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Bahaaahahaa!! LOVE this! I can relate to your career in balloonery not taking off… 😀
At one point, I thought that if I REALLY put my mind to it, and BELIEVED I could laugh my way to floating up to the ceiling (idea courtesy of Mary Poppins). So, I spent an entire day and a half laughing and laughing. I even tried to give myself a head-start by jumping up and down on the bed, but finally gave up when that didn’t turn out so well…
Hmmm…now that I think about it, maybe Mary Poppins needs a good dose of bitter attention!
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Mary Poppins was a little to positive and happy. She definitely need a dose of bitterness or as I like to call it, “reality”. Welcome back, Lucky! We can’t wait to hear about what you were doing when you were gone!
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What, a little screaming scared you off?
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Yep. That women would have bitten my face off.
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My strongest arm is the one with the hand that holds my wine glass – no arm wrestling for me…the cost is too high…
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I’m sure even if you injured your arm, arm wrestling you could find a way.,..
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This is sadly true 🙂
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I’m just going to say that Pizza is serious business. I don’t judge you at all for getting distracted!
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It was a dirty trick my neice played against me. She knows my weakness. According to your mother I am going to die an early death.
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Ben, don’t give up on the dream. Maybe start back with thumb wrestling and work your way back up to “The Show.”
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My record with thumb wrestling is abysmal. I only win about 1 out 10 against my 5 year old.
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I understand. Youth dexterity is tough to overcome, no matter how much your thumb outweighs your opponent’s.
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He is just a lot stronger. But I take credit for his strength even though I’ve done nothing to earn it.
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Sounds reasonable.
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Watching Over the Top is the only way to prepare for arm wrestling!
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The only movie to ever glorify the greatness of arm wrestling.
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Yes!
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I scream like that everyday! 🙂 I wrote a bitter post today and thought of you. Wonder what a bitter expert would think. 🙂
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That would be painful to scream like that all the time. I would hurt my bitter vocal cords. I need to check out your bitter post!
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How bitter!
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Not better!
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Yes bitter! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
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Oh God, I laughed so hard at the dog balloon. I’ve got to gack that and post it to my FB page. Wow. What a short, bitter, career!
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It was way too much work too. You can steal the pic as long as you don’t blame me for stealing it first. Getting sued makes me bitter.
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Since those sorts of things are all over the place on FB, it’s usually pretty obvious it’s been gacked from somewhere….. I don’t need any more bitterness either! 😉
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Feel free to gack. Then make sure you link to me that links to them. That way I can get views and stuff.
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I will repost in my blog next time I write……and of course I will link back to you! You do need more people to be bitter about what you write!! 😉
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1 bitter person at a time. That is how I plan to make the world a bitter place.
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oh…love the dog.
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Most people like the pictures I steal from smart people on the internet, better than the bitter words.
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And to think I already bought tickets to see you get beat. Now what am I going to do with front row seats at the Mussel Inn Bitter Ass Extra Bitter Beer Finals? You bitter come up with a really bad idea or I’m going to get really really scary. You don’t want to see me scary. Well, maybe you do. It can only make your sorry life look bitter off..
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You could sell the front row tickets for a lot of money. Then you could send me the money for a handful of magic beans. Up at the top you can have as much gold as you can steal from the Giant.
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bitter jello or mud wrestler perhaps?
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If I could do that from my couch maybe.
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You have made a wise choice Weedhopper.
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I do make wise choices every decade or so.
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