This tent is a little cheesy. Whole-y cow. Is anyone else feeling a little tense?
Welcome to Shelter 102 in The B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness, Bitterian students! If you are here, you should have taken the pre-requisite, Shelter 101, Idiots that don’t know anything about Shelter. I hope you all had a dreadfully bitter weekend . Address any complaints to way overwhelmed TA. If you did happen to have a good weekend, don’t worry, the worst day of the week, Tuesday, is coming. So, let’s get started. By a raise of hands, Who here likes tents? Anyone? No? Oh we do have someone here like likes tents. You sir, big hair gel guy. Why don’t you come up to the front of the class and tell everyone all about your love of tents.
Big haired gel guy who loves tents: I just think ….aaaahhhhhhh…..
Dr(almost, I’m 2-10 credits short). Bitter: Oh, I’m really sorry about that trap door to the bottomless pit that I accidentally released, Big Haired Gel guy. Next time I won’t put the switch so close to my thumb. Oh well, I’m sure he can find a tent to give him shelter half way down the bottomless pit. Now, anyone else want to explain about their love of tents? No one? Okay let me start the lecture part of class where I bore you to bitter tears.
My kids decided that they wanted to have an outing and put up the tent so they could sleep outside this weekend. By outing, they meant the front yard. By put up the tent they meant, I would put up the tent. By sleeping outside they meant put their clothes and mattress and sleeping bags outside while they slept comfortably inside. And by clean up, they meant Bitter Ben cleans up while they play Minecraft. Thankfully they brought all the mosquitos, flies and bees inside. I guess they didn’t want to sleep in the tent either.
Tents. The hairnets of shelter.
Tents are like the hairnets of shelter. The material of tents are somehow connected enough to be above you in case of weather, but they won’t protect you from it. It also breathes not at all, and traps heat so that you will feel right at home if you are a resident of Sun. One time when I was a young camper, we went on a campout with a “waterproof” tent that only allowed a tiny lake in the middle of our tent. I decided to sleep nearest the side of the tent where the tiny babbling brooke was instead because I was getting my swimming badge the next day.
Now class, can anyone here tell me about that game that the girls used to play called MASH, where you got to find out your future husband’s name, the kind of dwelling you would have, the job and how many kids you would have? In the dwelling section, M stood for Mansion, A for Apartment, S for Shack and H for house. No one remembers that? Okay you all get F’s. Why would they not include tents in the dwelling? Because people would rather live in a shack than a tent, because solid walls. Because tents are made of a material that is less than a millimeter of canvas, held down by stakes and held up by poles. And don’t even get me started by what separates you and the ground. Basically your clothes.
Now class, is there kind of tent that would be acceptable? Yes?
Yeah it looks nice, but just wait until you need to get all the furniture and moved and the floor swept…
Slightly evil, too smart for her own good girl in the front: “There are two kinds. The Richy Rich double decker mansion tent, or the very similar Harry Potter Wizard tent. They have all the ammenities of home: the king sized bed, the big screen TV, couches, and the lazy boy recliner.”
Dr. Bitter: “Wrong, slightly evil, too smart for her own good girl. Any shelter you need to drive somewhere, set up and sweep before you put it away is too much work. You guys are all going to fail this final. I would suggest you go home, avoid studying and think less. By the way, the test will be at 2:00 am. At the TA’s house.” TA has look of horror on his face as this will wake up not only him but his quadruplets that just get to sleep at 1:30 am.
Well, that sounds like the bell. Gotta go!
Arrrggghhh
Professor Bitter Ben
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Ahh…tents….what a pleasantly-resentful lie they are…
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Ahhh…Tents…..how a pleasantly-resentful lie they are…
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They make me tense so I guess the name is spot on.
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Mmm, not to mention that a tent is a supposedly “shelter,” but….when a burly bear comes along….where does it happen to be? Crying in the corner, like the epic fail it is.
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Tents are really good at crying when they are supposed to be protecting.
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I tried the tent thing! Once. Never, never again.
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You are very knowledgeable my friend. Tents are for “outdoor” like people.
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Professor Bitter! I remember the mash game. His name was Ryan Gos- anyways, those tents back in the day we’re not waterproof. Bears can still year them down too. We need bear proof tents!!
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Were… Sorry typo. Blame it on the Android.
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Stupid Android.
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My Android…has bad days…. 😛
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My Android tries to sabatoge me a lot too. But it’s probably because it is so smart, it knows that I like to be bitter.
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I don’t know why Gosling hasn’t picked up the cosmic hint from those MASH games you kept winning back in the day. I will need to have a talk with him later when we get together at the gym. He will be working out and I will be resting the waiting area. I guess he is just worried that you might reject him.
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I think deep down..my dear Ben…you might secretly have a man crush on the Gos! You see him more than me! Uh-huh! I would never reject him. 😉
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I might have a man crush on him…Though I am bitter about him because he stole my abs.
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I can bear-ly stand your Android typos. I can have typos on any machine.
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Haha, you said “bear”. 😛
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You should probably know that I am a slight fan of puns. Sorry about that.
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I remember MASH…. none of the options in that game were where I ended up….
How old are you anyway? That game is old.
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I am old. I just turned 40. That is why I am a cranky, bitter old man.
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Dr. Bitter thank you so much for creating this correspondens course. Without you I would be dammed to eternal *funnyness* I’m one of the mentioned goofys above who didn’t know anything about shelter.
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You can always take Shelters 101. It is a non-refundable fee, but if you draw me more pictures, I may be able to waive the late fee to get into class.
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You should make a cheese tent out of Limburger for your guests at the bitter campground. HE HE
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I think even if I made a tent out of a cheeseburger wrapped in bacon I still wouldn’t be tempted to use a tent.
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Aluminum tent: Otherwise called a mobile home. Those are worse. They attract both lightening and tornadoes.
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And isn’t that what we are trying to attract? Things like lightning and tornadoes that make us bitter for destroying all our stuff? If it wasn’t for tornadoes we wouldn’t have the Wizard of Oz and it fantastically bitter sequel to be bitter about.
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No. We have the Wizard of Oz because the author took too many drugs. Now those drugs are illegal.
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What? Some author took drugs? Inconcievable.
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Inconceivable? Isn’t that the definition of people who make a baby but can’t? Perhaps you were watching too many re-runs of Princess Bride?
Seriously (not), during a time when cocaine was used for menstrual cramps and added to cola to relieve stress, who wasn’t taking drugs.
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Everyone takes drugs. Some call it coffee, some call it prescription pills, some call it alcohol. I am addicted to Aleve. I can’t make it more than a month without popping at least two of those.
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With all the chemicals in our steak, chips and soda, you could safely say that some even call it food.
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That is my drug then. I love me some MSG’s.
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Wasn’t that a joke on “The Simpson’s?” Mmmmmm….monosodium glutamate. Mmmmmm.
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I can’t remember. I haven’t watch all 20 seasons. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Homer said it?
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You betcha.
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Are you from Canada?
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I lived in Minnesota for a few years. That was close enough.
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i lived in South Dakota for 10 years. I know pain and bitterness.
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That’s just plains insane (pun intended). I lived in 3 cities in the midwest for a total between them of about 8 years. I pray I never have to use a snow blower again, or shovel out a driveway with 2 feet of snow in it, or freeze my buns off because it’s so cold outside that all the house can manage to be heated to is 50 degrees.
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The midwest creates a lot of bitterness. I would like to thank that place and also the bitter rain of Seattle for a lot of my bitterness.
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Your ability to make a common occurrence funny, astounds me.
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You know what astounds me? All the things that make me bitter. I used to think it was just traffic, work, crappy Seattle weather and rent, but once I started exploring I found a world of things to be bitter about.
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do you think lawrence of arabia was bitter?
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Yes, I do. I don’t remember him taking my class though, so he probably didn’t reach his maximum bitterness potential.
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I’m not evil per se. And saying “erecto” doesn’t really qualify as setting up. I’m dropping your class anyway so pbbttthh.
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Well then you won’t be able to qualify for Shelter 103, Intro to Mansions where we explore living the high life for a semester in Hawaii and we explore how we can be bitter about being waited on hand and foot. Have fun in your tent!
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I need to buy the cheese tent for my camping brother. He would most likely use it and not be bitter.
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As long as he doesn’t accidentally try to eat it.
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I hate tents. So, I loved this post. And, I TOTALLY played MASH all the time!
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I usually ended up with a shack, 4 kids (didn’t everyone just say 1,2,3, and 4?) a job as construction worker and Volkswagen Beetle.
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Ben,Ben,Ben…I’m with you about camping. I’d rather have somebody poke me in the face with a fork than put myself through that. On that note, a joke:
“Man goes to the Psychiatrist JOKE”
Man: Doctor, last night I dreamed I was a TeePee, the night before that, I dreamed I was a WigWam !
Psychiatrist: I KNOW what your problem is!! YOUR TOO TENSE….
(Sorry, I may have insulted all NATIVE AMERICANS with that one.)
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I used the tense thing too. I am a big lover of the puns, so that worked for me.
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I like tents if they have certain improvements: (1) windows with screens to keep out the bugs and rain, (2) a full, modern bath with running water so I don’t have to… (you know); central air conditioning in case it gets too hot; (3) a door I can lock to keep out the wildlife. Oh wait — that’s a house, isn’t it? I guess I don’t like tents.
Actually, my idea of roughing it is staying at a hotel without Room Service.
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I agree. Let’s take it one step further and say that if tents were mansions then I would like them marginally more.
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I slept in a tent in my friend’s backyard once, and after that, that’s as close as I ever need to be to going on a camping trip. Tents are for homeless people and delusional rugged outdoorsman with an irrational interest in survivalism. I like permanent shelters.
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I don’t ask for much. Just a solid wall that forms a room and for those room to add up to be 5000 square feet. And the walls to have loud speakers for my media room.
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Oh, oh. I love tents! OK..maybe the ones that cover the four poster bed and the jacuzzi..but that’s a tent too, right? Do I get the trapdoor? Hey, some funny stuff Prof.
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Only professors get trapdoors and only those that apply have a chance to be professors. So good luck being that I get final decision on everything.
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Whew!
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Careful where you step on campus. They could be anywhere.
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Thanks for the warning!
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There are lots in the common area.
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Hahaha…awesome post!
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I am Dr. Bitter and approve of the this bitter comment.
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