I am not a teenager anymore. I don’t go to school. I don’t have important things to carry around. I don’t go on extended hikes in the mountains so I can get lost and find my way out. Despite the fact that I am none of those things, I still carry around a backpack. I know I am a dork for doing so, but at least I am an efficient, bitter dork. Some people like to carry things with their hands or inside their brains, or in a tiny cell phone. I am too bitter to do that, so I carry things on the weakest part of my body. My back.
So why do I carry a backpack? (Or as my kids call it a packpack). Because a packpack carries things that I am too lazy to carry myself. For instance:
Jealousy. How else can I be jealous of celebrities for getting to order people around while paying them minimum wage, just so they can be in the mere presence of someone who has been in 7 terrible movies and 2 failed TV shows? How else can I be jealous of someone who makes way more money than me, so they have a house that they will be more in debt for and raise 2 more bratty kids with, and have 2 more high monthly car bills for a car that still break down? I am jealous of people with more creativity than me. I mean how creative do you have to be to combine a blanket with a hood and call it a Snuggie? Awesome. I am jealous of people that have more time than me. Did you know that some people get 8 days a week and 25 hours a day? Can you imagine what I would do with all that time? Couch. Sleep. Snuggy.
Anger. Anger is great. I love arguing with people about things that are so miniscule that by the end of a two hour argument, we both can’t remember why we were fighting. I love having such a red face that I could just apply a little more makeup and look like Bozo the Clown. I love yelling so much that afterwards I’m shaking like a scared Chihuahua. I love being so angry that my brain is about to burst open. Those sensations just make me feel alive.
In another section of my backpack of course I carry bitterness. There is bitterness for that game that Spurs played back in 2003 that they should have won, but Derek Fisher cheated and made a shot that should have taken 3 seconds but apparently only took .4 seconds. There is the bitterness I carry towards my parents for not giving me a tragic backstory, a requirment for being driven to suceed at all costs so that I could become wealthy, powerful and mean to mankind(one out three isn’t bad I guess). There is the bitterness in having to go to Sam’s Club tonight because I got a stupid nail in my rear tire that caused a flat.
In the last section of my backpack, there is a computer, a couple of magazines that have now ceased publication, some old paystubs, an old broken Ipod and an old Thesauraus that I never use because I don’t know what a Thesauraus is. Maybe I should look it up. What did you think, that my backpack was just filled with metaphors of emotion? Weirdos.
So actually backpacks are useless, and yet I carry one everywhere. You never know, someone might ask me how much sicktime I had in Jan 2013, or what my bitterk, tragic backstory is. But no one ever asks those things, so I just keep carrying around a thing that gives me back pain.
Makes me bitter.
Arrgghhhh
Bitter Backpack Ben
Related articles
- Candy bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Batman Backpack: in Case Utility Belts Are Not Your Thing (technabob.com)
- Bitter Quote of the Week – Shakespear (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter song of the Week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
Pingback: Bitter Band of the Week | Ben's Bitter Blog
Pingback: Bitter GIF of the Week | Ben's Bitter Blog
Love backpack bitterness. Can I put it on my narrate list for my podcast?
LikeLike
Yeah! Can’t wait to hear it!
LikeLike
Here it is,http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. I just uploaded it to my podcast page! Thanks for letting me narrate it.
LikeLike
Thanks! I can’t believe that people want to read stuff that I have written.
LikeLike
don’t sell yourself short. You write funny, witty stuff that’s fun to read.
LikeLike
You are very kind.
LikeLike
Keep the backpack and rock on! Dont go satchel or something like that….With a backpack you actually take more care of your body as the weight is more equally distributed on the back than a satchel that WILL ruin your shoulder forever and ever…I went satchel for a while….EPIC mistake! My shoulder muscles took some serious damage during that satchel month. You may look more….I wanna say retro but in my world the backpack is retro, so I’ll use mainstream instead…. but your body will hate you…whereas a backpack you’ll barely notice is there….
LikeLike
My back pack is just so full of it. Like really full of it.
LikeLike
Lose the backpack and get a satchel. Indiana Jones and Zach Galifianakis both have one.
LikeLike
Where would I house my bitterness? It is quite large.
LikeLike
Snuggies are COMPLETELY useless. They are for people who don’t want to hike to the closet and pull out a blanket. (What a strain that would be.) As for hiking, I have gotten lost. The only thing that saved me was dirt bike dudes…I followed the sound and got to the road. Dirt bike riders NEVER get lost. They are too busy following the roads. Thank God I got outta there alive, with my luck, the Donner Party was waiting for me ’round the bend. Cheers ! 🙂
LikeLike
I got lost once too. I had to walk all night until I found an abandoned trailer to sleep in. When we woke up, we found a neighbor, used his phone, called the police. I was stuck out there with just shorts, a wintery coat and no socks. My legs got shredded to bits and I was so tired….
LikeLike
I’ve got a backpack, too, but since I am retired all I carry in it is golf balls. I go through quite a lot of them in a day’s time.
LikeLike
Your retirement is making me bitter. I needs lots of money so I can retire and be lazy.
LikeLike
Just don’t take up golf. It’ll make it cheaper.
LikeLike
Your packpack seems really full up and I wonder where you keep the different coloured pens that you would use to complain to local businesses about their poor service?
LikeLike
Nice blog by the way.
LikeLike
It is actually pretty far from nice. It’s very bitter.
LikeLike
In the inside pocket where I keep the bitterness.
LikeLike
you should carry the chihuahua in your backpack, and a chihuahua snuggie. they make them/ walgreens.
LikeLike
I don’t like chihuahua’s or backpack or snuggies, so why is this a good idea?
LikeLike
because the chihuahua says it’s a good idea , being carried around in your backpack, warm and snuggly will make him stop shaking..if not he will become bitter ,like you and he will have to write about how bitter he is.
LikeLike
I’m okay with all that. I hope he becomes bitter.
LikeLike
LOL
as long as you’re okay, that’s all that matters.
LikeLike
That is one bitterly funny blog post.
LikeLike
I like to horse around sometimes.
LikeLike
i see . you like horses, but you don’t like chihuahua’s.
LikeLike
Please tell me what your bitter tragic backstory is?
LikeLike
Perhaps I will do a post about once. And perhaps we will find out where you are from?
LikeLike
YEAR! Post “The born off the bitterness” – that should be done – ASAP! Due unforseen circumstances I was keept away from blogging. Everything started with a dripping tap… but thats an other story… Here a first hint for you: My nation is famous for beeing humorless :-!
LikeLike
I will consider doing my tragic backstory another time. I’ve got a few other ideas first though. So are you from Belguim?
LikeLike
What ever it will be – I look forwart to it! Belguim great answer but wrong. Belgium is famed for chocolate we are famous for cars.
LikeLike
Is it Germany?
LikeLike
Oh, did my accent revealed me?
LikeLike
No it is your hints.
LikeLike
… ah, no need to spare me. You may frankly admit it was the rolling rrrrrrrrr….
LikeLike
I’m not good at detecting accents, especially when I can’t hear your voice….
LikeLike
I’ve got your pizza right here. In my backpack. No, really, it’s right here on my desk. Must have been mis-delivered. I’d bring it to you but I’m too lazy to carry a backpack further than my car and WAY too lazy to drive to your corner of the world. Mmm. Delicious.
Lucky me. Bitter you. 😉
LikeLike
I hope you enjoyed the pepperoni and backpack lint pizza I ordered. I hope you get sick and end up in a hipster city or worse yet Seattle.
LikeLike
Who knew lint was so delicious?
LikeLike
Apparantly you. Luckily the delivery guy came and brought me a lint free one.
LikeLike
People in Chicago love backpacks. Packpacks too. Even the rolling kind you usually only see at the airport–those personally make me the most bitter of all.
LikeLike
Wait you live in Chicago? I went to the airport there once and got to go to the United Airlines Special club that goes upstair on an escalator. Also I saw Home Alone once. Do you know the McCalisters?
LikeLike
I do, indeed. Well, in the suburbs, but I work downtown. I do know the McCalisters. I just had dinner with them the other night.
LikeLike
Did they leave you at Home Alone?
LikeLike
You know that old scary guy with the granddaughter who sang in the church choir? That was me!
LikeLike
You were the old scary guy or the granddaughter in the choir? If you were the old guy, then what an acting job! If you were the granddaughter, then way to make the old man cry?
LikeLike
I was the old man. Jennifer Lawrence, who?
LikeLike
The academy would like to retroactively nominate you for the 1990 academy awards.
LikeLike
I love back packs and think you are cool (bitterly cool) to carry around a pack full of metaphors and emotions. I usually try to carry an extra supply of badassness in mine…in case of a bad-ass emergency. I think a thesaurus might be a dinosaur that feeds on a diet of words, but I should probably look that up… 😀
LikeLike
I think that they should call it a dinosaurous then. From what I have seen in your backpack, there is an extra supply of awesomeness.
LikeLike
You should carry a snuggy in you backpack, might ease the load of jealousy. After all heavy backpacks aren’t good for posture!
LikeLike
That must be why my back hurts all the time. or it could be the bad posture….or the scoliosis. Or that Bane broke my spine once.
LikeLike
Your packpack seems equivalent to my purse.. Used to carry things which may or may not be important. Although it is still not too socially acceptable in the western world for males to carry purses, and fanny pacts are stupid, a packpack seems very functional………… I got a pink snuggie a few years ago for christmas. best gift EVER… Until I got my electric heated blanket.
LikeLike
I wear my Snuggie outside all the time. Especially to sporting events.
LikeLike
I love my packpack. I think it’s the weather that’s making you so bitter. I’ve decided I’m not going back to BC until the sun comes out.
LikeLike
Weather is one of them. Another one is that my pizza that I ordered an hour ago isn’t here.
LikeLike
This is chuckle-inducing. You really are something else!
LikeLike
My pizza finally got here but it wasn’t very good and now I’m bitter about that.
LikeLike
Ha! It is always something. Just ask my oldest son.
LikeLike
Did you tip the delivery person?
LikeLike
Of course, I always tip well for people that show up late an hour.
LikeLike